For me, motherhood was not something I thought would happen to me when it did. I would be lying if I said I was thrilled from the start. Becoming pregnant was unexpected for us and turned my world upside-down. I had finally landed my first "real" job after graduating college, and with 10 months experience under my belt, I was starting to feel like I could be successful at the job while living in Kansas City. Once pregnant, I quit my job at the Children's Division to focus on the pregnancy and get settled in Sioux City. Any ambitions or goals I had for social work in Missouri now had to change. I never previously considered Sioux City as option #1 for my "forever" home, but Divine Intervention quickly steered me down that road. Although I often miss Kansas City and always think about/worry about/pray for the children I worked with, I now know that the career path I was in would never have made me happy. Almost immediately after moving home to Iowa, the proverbial weight was lifted off my shoulders and I no longer felt the stress, anxiety, and heartache that was induced by job duties at the Children's Division. Furthermore, now that I am living happily in Sioux City surrounded by family, friends, and my loving husband-to-be, I am uncertain why I'd ever tried to leave.
Although I experienced a relatively easy pregnancy, I had my share of struggles. As any pregnant woman knows, you are suddenly the center of attention wherever you go, and people find it acceptable to ask you an innumerable amount of personal questions. "When's the baby due?" "Do you know if it's a boy/girl?" "Have you picked out names?" Then they get worse. "How far dialated are you?" "Are you having any contractions?" For me, I struggled with my growing size from Day 1. I had always been relatively small figured but extremely self-conscious. It was hard to see myself get wide...and wider, and buy clothes that were big...and bigger. "Are you sure you're going to make it that long before he pops out?" "You look like you're going to explode!" And of course, "Are you guys going to get married now?" Despite the fact that I was 24 when I got pregnant and in a loving and committed relationship, the stigma of being an unwed mother was ever-present.
Once my baby boy was born, new challenges were presented. I struggled immensely with breast feeding and considered quitting on several occasions. Sacrifices had to be made concerning my own comfort, or lack there of. I had to fail at some things before learning the right way to care for my baby, had to learn how to function with half as much sleep as I would like, and had to accept that any self-centered goals I had were now put on hold. I look at my body three months after birth and still don't recognize it as my own, sparking my self-conscious mind to throw a temper tantrum because my clothes still don't fit, and perhaps never will.
Despite any struggle that I or any new mother has faced, it goes without saying that it's worth all of it. Even though the life I now lead was not in my plans a year ago, today I cannot imagine life without my son. I have the opportunity now to see this miraculous baby grow, change, and learn everyday. As I watch him achieve the tiniest milestones, my heart swells with pride, and I feel a joy the likes of which I've never known. I revere this little boy as a tremendous blessing and thank God every day for changing my life for the better by choosing me as Garrick's mother. I thank family and friends who have helped and supported me along the way, and who continue to lend advice and a smile whenever I need it.
Garrick Bernard, you are my everything and I am so proud to be your Mommy.
